Worrying
by AllIWannaDo
Summary: One lazy Sunday in mid-January, soon-to-be parents James and Lily worry over the possibility of dying and leaving their child an orphan. [one-shot]


It was a lazy Sunday in mid-January, and Lily had just broken the news of her pregnancy to James - more explosively than he would've anticipated.

"No, it's awful!" Lily shouted dramatically, throwing herself onto their still-unmade-bed and covering her head with a pillow.

"You're not...happy that we're having a baby?" James looked crestfallen. "Well, I s'pose I can understand why you might not want another me walking around, but -"

Lily emerged from under the pillow, laughing, despite the tears that sparkled on her cheeks and in her eyes. "James, it's not that. (But by the way it might be a girl, or a boy who looks like me, so don't assume our baby is going to be a carbon copy of you.) It's just...this is the wrong time to have a baby, the wrong world to bring a baby into. I'm Muggle-born, and our baby will be a half-blood. With Voldemort on the rise - "

"Do you honestly think I'd let anything happen to you, or to our baby?" James interrupted, sitting down beside Lily. He couldn't hide his offense. Didn't Lily trust him to protect her?

"No, of course not, but what if something happens to you? I'm not afraid of death anymore. Maybe I used to be, when I was little, but I'm not anymore. My life feels so fragile right now, and not just because I'm Muggle-born. I couldn't be an Auror or a member of the Order without confronting the possibility that I might die in the near future. No, what I'm afraid of is not death, but of not being here for our baby, of leaving him (or her) alone in the world. Can you imagine growing up without a mother and a father, or with only one of the two? We should have been more careful - it was selfish of us not to be more careful."

Lily's lip quivered, signaling a fresh flood of tears, and she hid her face in her hands.

"Lily. Lily, look at me." When she wouldn't, James eased her head onto his chest and stroked her hair soothingly, hardly noticing the wet patch that formed on his shirt. "Nothing is going to happen to me. Or to you. Or to our baby. And even if something did happen...to me, or, Merlin forbid, to you, our baby wouldn't be alone. He'll inherit all of our friends," here James smirked, "unfortunately for him."

_He really wants a mini-James, doesn't he? _Lily thought, noting James' use of the pronoun "he" when referring to their baby. She uncovered her face and surveyed James' for a moment before softly kissing his cheek, as she often did when something he said or did reminded her of why and how much she loved him. She worried about losing him, too, all the time - she'd worried before she'd even found out that she was pregnant, that James was someone's father in addition to being her love. Part of her didn't think she could wake up every morning and go to sleep every night with James' absence beside her instead of his warmth.

"James. Love. We're not infallible. Every time one of the Order dies, or I read about a Muggle attack in the _Prophet_, I think, _That could've been me. It could still be me. _And it scares me. Sometimes I even wish that I'd never gone to Hogwarts, because then I wouldn't know about Voldemort's campaign to purge the world of Muggles, or about the danger I was in. I wouldn't even have known I _was _a Muggle. Then I realize that I would've been in danger, anyway, despite not knowing, and that at least now I have a way of protecting myself." Lily paused, recalling her anxieties about losing James. "Then there's you...if I'd never gone to Hogwarts, I wouldn't be with you now. But at least, if I'd never had you, I wouldn't be so afraid to lose you."

James smiled, taking Lily's hand in his and squeezing it hard, as if to confirm that she had, in fact, gone to Hogwarts and subsequently married him and was now sitting beside him, pregnant with their first child. That Lily was real both comforted and amazed him in equal measures. "I'd have missed you so much if you'd never come to Hogwarts," James said.

"Don't be so silly, James. How can you miss someone that you've never met?" Lily wondered aloud, but her heart swelled with happiness at the romantic notion of James wanting her - not a girl like her, but her, Lily Evans (Lily Evans Potter now, she reminded herself) - even in an alternate reality in which they'd never met.

"I can. Besides, having you is worth the risk of losing you." For James, too, the thought of existing in a world without Lily was horrifying. That her death or disappearance were realistic outcomes of their shared profession was even worse.

Suddenly, for no reason at all, James had a sense that someday soon he and Lily would be separated - from each other, from their baby. Though not as strong or as concrete as a premonition (judging from Dorcas' description, at least), this sensation overwhelmed James with fear and sadness. He clung to Lily as though he were hanging over a precipice, about to fall. When at last he felt secure enough to loosen his hold on her, he bombarded her with kisses. He kissed her until she giggled from pleasure and ticklishness. He kissed her lips, her cheeks, her nose, her eyelids, her forehead, her hair, her hands, and her stomach, pausing only when she protested, through her giggles, that her lips were feeling neglected.

When Lily had had her fill of kissing, she said, "James, I love you, I do. And I already love our baby; it'd be impossible for me not to. I guess I just wish that...that he (or she) weren't entering the world at a time when everything is so dark and you and I might not be around to guide him (or her) through the darkness, as corny as that sounds."

James, now lying next to Lily, wrapped his arms around her, and she curled against him reflexively. "S'much as I'd like to, I can't guarantee that we'll live past this war - hell, I can't guarantee that we'll live past today - but I can guarantee that our baby will be protected. We may not live long, happy lives, but he will."

"You keep saying 'he,'" Lily observed again, this time aloud. "It could be a girl, you know."

"I know. I just have a feeling that it's a boy."

"And what if it's not a boy? Will you be disappointed?" Lily asked, her voice quaking slightly.

"No," James replied, to Lily's relief. "If she's anything like you, though, I doubt I'll ever be able to say no to her. You, on the other hand, would have no trouble at all saying no to a mini-me."

Lily slapped James lightly on the arm. "Not true."

"Oh, it is so. You've had lots of practice saying no to me."

"If that were true, would I be pregnant?"

James chuckled. "Good point," he said.

Then he fell silent, and Lily pretended to be asleep, neither of them wanting to admit that their worries for the future had persisted despite the snogging and the banter.

It was a lazy Sunday in mid-January, the last they'd enjoy in the midst of the war they were fighting, and James and Lily lay together, worrying silently - both about their safety and the safety of their unborn child. But they figured it was okay, because, as James would later point out, _All of the best parents worry._

* * *

_**A/N**:_ More of a drabble than a story, yeah? I apologize if the ending was a bit abrupt.

As always, reviews are both welcome and highly appreciated :)


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